Newsflash: Fall weather is the worst

Listen, I’m gonna be honest with you.

Fall weather is the worst weather.

Unpopular opinion? Don’t care. Fall weather sucks which makes fall suck. And you know I’m right.

Here is how every fall day goes down.

You wake up in the morning. You check your little weather app on your phone. “Ohhh, 56 degrees outside. I’m going to wear a jacket!”

You put on that jacket for the first time since last fall. You might even find a crisp $5 bill hiding in the pocket. You think, “This is going to be a good day!”

You put on your jeans. You loveeee jeans. You put on shoes AND socks. You put on a long-sleeved shirt, because you can’t wear a short-sleeved shirt with a jacket. You’re not a moron. And you put on your jacket and you strut out that door feeling like Kaia Gerber at New York Fashion Week.

And when you step out of your house at 8:29 a.m. that fall air hits your face and you’re all, “Wow, this is nice.”

And then 8:30 a.m. happens. When 8:30 a.m. happens you’re now outside of your home in jeans, a long-sleeved shirt, shoes AND socks, and a jacket and it. Is. So. Hot.

For a brief moment you think “It’s O.K., this is fine,” because you so desperately want it to be fine. I get it. Because summer sucks, too. The only season worse than fall is summer. No one enjoys wearing shorts. And if you do enjoy wearing shorts I promise I do not trust you as a person. Any temperature above 90 degrees should be illegal.

So you get to September 21 and it is fall and you’re SO ready to have those bleak summer months behind you. You want to go to a pumpkin patch, you want to step on crunchy leaves, and, gosh-dern-it, you just want to wear a jacket!

But you get to midday in fall and you’ve long ditched that jacket but you’re still in long sleeves because YOU CAN’T WEAR SHORT SLEEVES WITH A JACKETS and you’re sweaty. You’re so sweaty. You’re sweating like a high school freshman in 2004 who insisted on wearing a tank top under two Polo shirts because for some reason in 2004 Abercrombie told us we all had to wear layers on layers on layers and we were miserable but we didn’t know why.

And at this point you’re basically crying because it’s so hot and fall is that guy who tells you “I’m different from other seasons!” and you trusted him and he let you down.

So now you’re stuck carrying around that stupid jacket all day and you can’t let it out of your sight because when you were in third grade your mom said, “Cara Marie, if you lose one more jacket you’re not getting anything for Christmas!” And then you think about Christmas, and Santa, and how nice it must be to be in the North Pole where jackets are not just a cute fashion accessory but actually necessary. And you start to long for Christmas and winter and hot cocoa that would actually warm you up and not just basically feel like a refreshing cool drink at this point. Do you know how hot it is?!

So you finally go outside (oh, by the way, you were hot inside, too, because every place on earth has already turned its AC off). So you finally go outside. You’re dragging that stupid jacket behind you like Linus’s blanket. You make it home and immediately change into shorts and a t-shirt and your sweaty legs stick to every surface they come in contact with. But it’s your own doing because you have also already turned your AC off because, “I just love how it feels to have the windows open!”

But with the windows open it is somehow hotter inside your home than it is outside which seems impossible because it is approximately 200 degrees outside and global warming will end all of us very soon.

But windows open, AC, it honestly doesn’t matter because it gets so cold at night that either way you’re going to be sleeping with four blankets on and spend the whole night debating if doing permanent damage to your bladder is a better option than getting up to pee and risking hypothermia.

And then, the next morning, you’ll wake up and do it all over again.

Stupid jackets.

Fall is the worst.

Except candy corn. Candy corn is awesome.

Thank you.

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